I was sitting in a café, feeling extremely self-conscious as I tried to breastfeed my six-week-old son. Being a first-time mom, I wasn’t used to exposing my breasts in public. But the main reason for my discomfort was that breastfeeding wasn’t going well for us. My baby was struggling, and so was I. This made me feel anxious and like a failure as a mother.
At that moment, an older woman approached our table, her face filled with nostalgia for the days when her own children were young. She commented on how wonderful and natural breastfeeding is. I smiled and nodded, but inside, I was holding back tears. She went on to emphasize the importance of breastfeeding for my baby’s health, describing it as a mother’s duty. She even shared how easy it was for her, as her babies would instantly latch onto her nipple and feed without any issues.
I didn’t say much in response, and she eventually left. But her parting words, “You’re doing the best thing for your son,” echoed in my mind. Despite her well-meaning intentions, I couldn’t help but feel like a terrible mother. As soon as she was gone, I rushed home and cried in my husband’s arms, overwhelmed by a sense of shame and self-pity.
Breastfeeding and the challenges I faced while trying to establish it, along with having to give up before I was ready, caused me to spiral into postnatal depression. This is a common experience for many mothers, as 70% of those surveyed by the PANDAS Foundation, a charity supporting mental health in parents, reported that loved ones’ remarks or perceptions triggered their mental illness. Additionally, 76% felt triggered by societal expectations, including those of other parents.
When I became a mother, I quickly realized how much the world changed around me. People in my neighborhood, who I had lived near for nine years, suddenly greeted me with knowing smiles and eyerolls. They would ask me how I was doing without any context. Other mothers would warmly greet me as I pushed my son in his baby carrier, hoping he would fall asleep. Conversations in the park would revolve around how I was coping with motherhood.
Feeling a sense of connection with strangers is a wonderful thing, but it can also have negative consequences. In my case, a well-meaning comment from a stranger at the wrong time completely shattered my emotional well-being. It turns out, my early struggles with mental health after giving birth were not just a temporary setback, but the beginning of a challenging period for me.
Anyone who has experienced mental illness during the early stages of their child’s life knows the overwhelming amount of guilt that comes with it. Guilt for not enjoying motherhood enough, for not being a good enough parent, for feeling unable to fully engage with your child due to your illness, and even guilt for believing that others are handling the transition better than you. Above all, there is guilt in knowing that you have something others desperately want but cannot have, and yet you’re not able to fully embrace it.
Throughout my battle with these emotions, I received numerous well-intentioned but ultimately harmful remarks, especially from those close to me who would never intentionally cause harm.
Rose Stokes, a mother struggling with postnatal mental health issues, opens up about the damaging effects of well-meaning advice she has received. She recalls instances where people dismissed her struggles, such as someone claiming they never felt stressed after having their own children. Another person judged her for considering formula feeding, stating they would never do the same. When Rose expressed her difficulties with breastfeeding, she was told to keep trying, while also being told that it didn’t matter and she should just give her baby a bottle. These comments left Rose feeling even more vulnerable and ashamed, as if her skin had been peeled off and every sensation was magnified. In that state, all she wanted to hear was reassurance that things would get better.
Rose emphasizes the importance of being mindful of what we say to pregnant and postpartum women, as it can have a significant impact on their well-being. She shares that many of her friends have experienced real suffering due to well-intentioned comments from family, friends, and even strangers. Matrescence, the physical and biological changes that occur when women become mothers, makes them particularly vulnerable to the effects of such comments. While Rose acknowledges that not everyone may find unsolicited advice triggering, she highlights that up to 20% of women experience depression and anxiety in the first year after giving birth, according to the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE).
In light of this, Rose suggests that it’s time to reconsider how we offer comments and advice to pregnant and postpartum women. Instead of launching into unsolicited advice or opinions, she proposes checking in with them and asking how they are doing or what they need. This small change can go a long way in supporting new mothers, providing them with the reassurance they often crave.
