FRIENDSHIP BREAK-UPS: HOW TO PATCH THINGS UP AND MOVE FORWARD
Failing to see eye to eye with your best friend? Been given the silent treatment from your mate after a major disagreement? Or maybe you’re taking time out from a friendship after finding out your pal has been secretly running a scandalous gossip blog that’s ruined your reputation. Whatever the reason, friendship break-ups can be tough, and often feel more complicated than romantic ones.
If you’re watching Netflix’s “Bridgerton”, you’ll know that the show’s long-time besties, Penelope Featherington and Eloise Bridgerton, brutally fell out at the end of season two and things haven’t really improved in season three. In part one of the new series, Penelope takes the spotlight as her romance with Colin Bridgerton finally materialises, but her secret alter-ego Lady Whistledown, and Eloise’s knowledge of this, could ruin her new romance, as it has her friendship with Eloise.
Across the four episodes, Eloise and Penelope stare at each other longingly from across ballrooms and garden parties, clearly wanting to patch things up, but it’s clear neither of them knows where to start. And it’s a situation many of us will have found ourselves in too — though perhaps minus the ballrooms. Maybe more watched WhatsApp online statuses.
So, we enlisted the help of psychotherapist Tasha Bailey to share exactly how to rekindle a friendship gone sour, without making things worse.
“For Penelope and Eloise, they’ve known and loved each other for the whole of their lives, and have always understood each other in a world full of expectations that doesn’t typically understand or value them as individuals. So not only are they grieving the potential end to their friendship, but also all of the validation, belonging and support that came from it. In the modern world, the end of a friendship could mean losing a community, a support system or even a part of our identity,” Bailey tells PS UK.
She adds: “The more we mature and grow as individuals, the more we might butt heads with older friendships. Our values and needs might start to change, leading to conflict. For example, Eloise previously admired Lady Whistledown (aka Penelope) for her rebellious approach towards society. But her opinion of this changed when she realised she was not safe from Lady Whistledown’s words and gossip. There may even be some envy there as she hadn’t suspected Penelope to be the woman behind the pen-name she had so admired.”
There’s no doubt that sometimes we have to confront and heal those awkward feelings in order to move onto a healthier friendship. So if you’re struggling right now, here are some steps you can follow to patch things up with your friend, according to Bailey.
“Sometimes we rekindle friendships for the wrong reasons, such as loneliness or to fulfil our people-pleasing needs,” Bailey says. “Before taking the first step of reaching out, it’s important to take a moment to be honest with yourself. What is drawing you back into the friendship? What value did they bring into your life and what did you bring into theirs? What would need to be different for things to work, and how realistic are those changes? Remember, that not every friendship needs to be savoured, especially if it no longer feels like there’s room for it to grow.”
Bailey advice is to be honest about your intentions and non-defensive in your communication. She tells us: “This might sound like, ‘Hey, I’ve been thinking about you and I don’t like how things turned out between us. Would you be up for going for coffee to talk about it?’ Whether your old friend chooses to reply is completely their prerogative. They might be going through their own process about the friendship ending, or dealing with other life stresses. Give them the space to think about their response, and find your own closure if they don’t ever feel able to.”
Once you’ve checked in with each other’s general wellbeing, it’s time to start the conversation. Bailey suggests approaching the situation from a place of healing, not blaming.
“As tempting as it can be to download your side of the story, it’s a good idea to ask for their perspective first,” she recommends. “It communicates that you’re there to listen and learn, not just to win the argument and blame them for the downfall of the friendship. Actively listen and notice where there are gaps in their story versus yours that may have created further conflict. Once they’re done, share your side of the story with your added insights.”
Bailey says: “It takes two to tango when it comes to the downfall of a friendship. Put your ego to the side and take accountability by naming your part in the conflict that happened and take time to genuinely apologise for those actions. You can then invite them to take accountability for their part too.”
When discussing the issues of your old friendship, it’s important to not go into a place of blaming, shaming or criticising your friend, as this will trigger them to feel defensive, leading things to go further south. For this, Bailey suggests using non-violent communication, a communication method created by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, which can be a great tool.
“This takes the form of observation (an objective observation you noticed), feeling (how you felt), need (what you needed) and request (what action or change you would like to happen). In the case of Eloise to Penelope, this could sound like: ‘There was a time when you wrote gossip about me and my family and because of that I felt betrayed. I need a friend who I can trust and rely on. Could you refrain from writing about me and my family going forward?'”
She continues: “This clear communication style not only helps you to be clear and honest about your thoughts and feelings, but creates a clear action for your friend to work on if they agree to.”
So you’ve both decided to try things again, but it could be worth creating some new boundaries for your friendship, and reflecting on what might need to change for things to work better this time around.
Bailey tells us: “Decide together what would make your friendship feel safer and more secure. End the conversation by putting another date in the diary for the next time you can spend time together, which can be more focused on enjoying each other’s company. Also give each other permission to keep talking about the conflict that occurred. Each conversation is another opportunity to heal and work through what happened for the both of you.”
